A bubble of thought floats into the air,
trapped by the low reachable ceiling of the room.
It lingers in the constrainted,
suffocated by that thin layer of vacuum,
keeping me wide awake,
as i wondered and pondered...
What exactly is a successful life?
At the end of my journey, as i lay there, awaiting for the shivering cold embrace of death's own hands, what will be my state of mind at the last few moments of my time? will i step into the gates of heaven or hell with a subtle smile off the side of my pale pink lips, or end up with a frown on that old wrinked face with both ends of my lips facing southwards. As my eyelids are put to rest for the last time, would i be satisfied with the way i had pursued my life? would i step into the treacherous flames of death leaving behind not only the ashes of time but regretful regrets?
I do believe that in some time of our lives, earlier or later, the question of 'My Life' would definitely pop up, as we playback the past of our lives like an overhead projector in the walls of our mind and ponder on the 'been-there, done-thats' and the 'should-haves'.
If i could, i would.
If i could live a life without any regrets, i would.
If i could live life to the fullest, i would.
If i could live a life which i am proud of, i would.
If i could be the man i was to be, i would.
If i could be the husband, father, son and friend i seek to be, i would.
If i could find the courage and strength to do all that i could, i would.
In the end of my day, i do wish that for all the 'I Could's , i would have had.
Like a pheasant trapped in the mind of a prince,
i am a walking twirl of confusion.
I seek a life with all the riches without the rags,
with all the love without the hurt,
and simplicity of life that comes without burden
Yes, in this part of my utopia,
what i wish to have,
i wish to share,
not with the masses,
but the privilege of the ones i care.
Waking up every morning to the one i love,
spending every precious moment of this short-lived journey through life with her,
without any of life's burdens weighting on us,
the magnitude of our love shielding us against everything else,
but the simple gratitude of being destined to be together,
as we cherished and ravished every single moment in time,
with our hearts connected in the unfathomed caves of the ocean bed,
undisturbed by the gushing of the treacherous waves above,
In the tireless pursue of a life without regrets,
i seek to be the faithfully departed,
leaving behind not only my legacy,
but the fruits of labour of my love to the ones i left behind,
bringing with me nothing more,
but only the tender cherished memories of my life,
the sweet reminisces of every single day that we had spend together,
as i paddle my way into the burning flames
that flickers through that small open window,
with that smile from my pale cold lips.
A felicitous end to my successful life.
My last words being,
Au revoir, mon amour
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Joyeux anniversaire
The 26th of July 2007...
A significant day to the tens of hundreds of thousands of birthday boys, girls, guys, gals, monsieur and madame out there... Joyeux anniversaire
but as the tens of hundreds of thousands of birthday candles are being blown out by the delightful tunes and best wishes of families and friends,
i do suspect or seek to believe that somewhere in this open vastness,
there has to be a certain someone who feels exactly like i do.
Lying in the misty fog, deep in the wilderness,
i look up and see from a distance, silhouettes of dark lonesome figures,
sitting in solitare as i am,
staring into the blankness,
without desire of any companionship nor birthday wishes,
begging for this day to whisk past,
or be washed away by the horizon,
as the blue skies dived into the hills,
making way for that blanket of darkness,
that had never seemed to be devoid of the moon and the stars,
like tonight.
Of all the days of the year, it was this fateful day,
where my heart yearns for the one i love,
and weeps into the darkness of the night.
the tears that fell like dripping blood,
from the heart of a aimless soul,
praying for the break of dawn,
of a sweeter Joyeux anniversaire,
same time next year.
A significant day to the tens of hundreds of thousands of birthday boys, girls, guys, gals, monsieur and madame out there... Joyeux anniversaire
but as the tens of hundreds of thousands of birthday candles are being blown out by the delightful tunes and best wishes of families and friends,
i do suspect or seek to believe that somewhere in this open vastness,
there has to be a certain someone who feels exactly like i do.
Lying in the misty fog, deep in the wilderness,
i look up and see from a distance, silhouettes of dark lonesome figures,
sitting in solitare as i am,
staring into the blankness,
without desire of any companionship nor birthday wishes,
begging for this day to whisk past,
or be washed away by the horizon,
as the blue skies dived into the hills,
making way for that blanket of darkness,
that had never seemed to be devoid of the moon and the stars,
like tonight.
Of all the days of the year, it was this fateful day,
where my heart yearns for the one i love,
and weeps into the darkness of the night.
the tears that fell like dripping blood,
from the heart of a aimless soul,
praying for the break of dawn,
of a sweeter Joyeux anniversaire,
same time next year.
That was my love
Like the sailing away of a paper boat,
from the narrow stream,
thru the streaming rivers,
to the blue rivering seas,
i had to lift my anchor,
and set her free.
A phrase from Mr Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart
would best sum up the me in my world :
I feel like some meaningless bug,
clinging for no special reason,
to a high stone wall on a windy night,
with no plans,
no beliefs.
from the narrow stream,
thru the streaming rivers,
to the blue rivering seas,
i had to lift my anchor,
and set her free.
A phrase from Mr Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart
would best sum up the me in my world :
I feel like some meaningless bug,
clinging for no special reason,
to a high stone wall on a windy night,
with no plans,
no beliefs.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
My true possession. Memories
Dwell not on the promises of the future,
but the gifts of the past.
going thru my drawers, sorting out the memories,
trying to keep the last 8 years of us in a box,
hoping to seal the lid and leave the past behind,
and to lock it in the darkest end of the room.
Nevertheless, tears flowed openly with every reminisces of the past,
love letters she wrote, that once meant so much and now so little,
photos we took, once so much, now so little,
gifts of love, once so much, now so little,
places we visited, once so much, now so little,
restaurants we patronised, once so much, now so little
good o me, once so much and now so little.
and yet, i could still say with absolute sureness,
that there was never a moment of regretfulness in me,
as was in the past and the present.
With fate and destiny standing on the other side of town,
it was no one's fault nor wishes to have us ended this way,
to forsake that beautifully painted picture of the future,
or that meticulously sculpted vision of our lives,
till death do us part, till the end of time
and to the far end of the world we shall be, heart to heart
it was not to be the fault of me, her nor us,
but that we were simply not to be,
memories...with all that fate and destiny could snatch from my very hands,
it was my one true possession...
but the gifts of the past.
going thru my drawers, sorting out the memories,
trying to keep the last 8 years of us in a box,
hoping to seal the lid and leave the past behind,
and to lock it in the darkest end of the room.
Nevertheless, tears flowed openly with every reminisces of the past,
love letters she wrote, that once meant so much and now so little,
photos we took, once so much, now so little,
gifts of love, once so much, now so little,
places we visited, once so much, now so little,
restaurants we patronised, once so much, now so little
good o me, once so much and now so little.
and yet, i could still say with absolute sureness,
that there was never a moment of regretfulness in me,
as was in the past and the present.
With fate and destiny standing on the other side of town,
it was no one's fault nor wishes to have us ended this way,
to forsake that beautifully painted picture of the future,
or that meticulously sculpted vision of our lives,
till death do us part, till the end of time
and to the far end of the world we shall be, heart to heart
it was not to be the fault of me, her nor us,
but that we were simply not to be,
memories...with all that fate and destiny could snatch from my very hands,
it was my one true possession...
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
the beating of the heart, is like the bleeding of the soul
When one has lost the will to love,
the courage to pursue,
and the right to dream,
the heart is but an empty shell
the courage to pursue,
and the right to dream,
the heart is but an empty shell
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
If there is a thing that i miss having,
a thing that is still within the depths of my reach,
it would be that short winter trip to Melbourne.
It was my first visit to that place,
my first trip since the day the heavens fell,
since i helplessly sunk into the pits of darkness,
to the hollow depths of emptiness,
to a place that i never knew existed.
well, melbourne was to be a much-timed retreat...
to break away from the monotony of my life,
to brush away the winter of my life,
and to embrace the break of spring,
the season of dreams,
hopes,
joy,
and renaissance.
The irony of life,
to search for the end of my winter in the winter,
and yet there i was,
in the winter of Melbourne,
ravishing every moment of my stay,
enjoying the embrace of the chilling gushes of winter winds,
that whispers the promises of spring.
the sights of wonders that were made to stay,
throughout the seasons, throughout the years.
the simple pleasures i once embraced,
with my sister and a brother who is here to stay.
If only time stood still,
i would have loved to stay,
till the break of spring,
as the winter fades
a thing that is still within the depths of my reach,
it would be that short winter trip to Melbourne.
It was my first visit to that place,
my first trip since the day the heavens fell,
since i helplessly sunk into the pits of darkness,
to the hollow depths of emptiness,
to a place that i never knew existed.
well, melbourne was to be a much-timed retreat...
to break away from the monotony of my life,
to brush away the winter of my life,
and to embrace the break of spring,
the season of dreams,
hopes,
joy,
and renaissance.
The irony of life,
to search for the end of my winter in the winter,
and yet there i was,
in the winter of Melbourne,
ravishing every moment of my stay,
enjoying the embrace of the chilling gushes of winter winds,
that whispers the promises of spring.
the sights of wonders that were made to stay,
throughout the seasons, throughout the years.
the simple pleasures i once embraced,
with my sister and a brother who is here to stay.
If only time stood still,
i would have loved to stay,
till the break of spring,
as the winter fades
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Another Fruitful day
let's see...its been definitely a long day...whether its been fruitful, its up to u to decide...
Having finally managed to force myself to bed at 5+ this morning after a black n white akira 'seven samurai' dvd and a walk out to a void deck nearby my place for a few cigs, i was finally feeling drained and exhausted and able to rest...well, its absolutely not the most spendid thing to find ur best friend, a guy, laying down, snoring beside u on ur bed, but well, being a true pal, he had volunteered to accompany me thru another long and endless night by hanging out with me, cafe lattes, kambing soups and some good old coke lite...nevertheless, he did not lasted the movie and was soon dreaming about strolling the sandy beaches of waikiki and making endless love with the girl of his dreams in a presidential suite looking across the deep blue ocean with seagulls whipping across the clouds...well, still suffering from a severe condition of insomnia, i continued to finish the movie...followed by the walk, ciggies etc as mentioned above...
finally getting some sleep at 5+ wasnt so cool either as it will be sweet and definitely short...the album clock's been set to 630am as i had offered my kind services to drop my pal off to work in the morning...yes, the one sleeping next to me...pls dun set ur wild thoughts on fire...thats a brotherly relationship going on, no passion, no sex...anyway, we only managed to crawled our way out of bed near 7...dropped him off to work, still managing to squeeze some time for him to get a kopi-o ice to start off his day...so, back to where i shld be so early in the morning...oyasumi nasai...
Embracing my mum's fave phrase 'young people must sleep more, if not got high blood'...i only got out of bed at close to 1pm...setting my day to motion, i got my lunch taken and was off to bedok reservoir for a 2hr kayaking solo expedition. The sun was shining with pride and it looks like a beautiful day to go out there and get a 'oh-my-god, he looks so good with dark skin' kinda tan...nevertheless, by the time i got there, the thick fluffy clouds had consumed the entire sun, leaving me with what's left of a 'cooling day'...no sun, hints of a heavy downpour, roars of thunder from a distance (most prob tampines) and a lazy mindset pathed the way for me to cancel my kayaking adventure...i ended up at a wooden bench beside the reservoir, looking at the overcast sky, embracing the 'cooling' weather and a total change of plans...laying out my essential gear on the bench (my ice-cold sky juice water bottle, pack of ciggies, lighter, spearmint drops and a half-read haruki murakami 'dance dance dance', i proceeded to make myself comfortable for a good little reading picnic with myself...time do flies and with about 1/5 of the book left, it was 5pm and about time to pick my good old pal off from work and a good hearty meal...
reached his office at 530pm, well, saw a slighty grumpy-looking figure sitting by the concrete platform by the drain...so desk neh...it was my fault...got the timing mixed up...his weekend started at 5pm, instead of 530pm...i was late...however, good news for good o grumpy...he made a return call and the girl of his dreams dropped an invitation for him to come by her place in JB...so off we go, voom voom to bukit batok for him to get his bike n passport...'all the best bro' :)
so its back to the solo excursion, made my way down to my fave solo venue 'Cathay'...seeing that there really isnt any other movie that i had not watched due to interest or as a form of time-killing, it was to be - 'The Blossoming of Maximo Oliverios'...The award winning, heart stealing filipino film @ 2125hrs...with lotsa time to kill yet again (*shaking head), it was to be a yakitori bento and a coke lite to accompany me on the final phrase of the murakami 'dance dance dance'...being not in the right mood for reading, i wasnt putting my heart into it and i ended up with a vague understanding of an ending which was confusing and 'cut-short' instead of as it should be...well, seems like i will have to do an encore on the last 1/5 of the book to do it justice...that shall be tomorrow's matters...
it was still only 8pm...with 2 more ciggies down and nothing on my hands, i proceeded to my new fave time-killing hobby - Egaming...Counter-strike again...not enjoyable no more but definitely an effective time slayer...9pm soon approaches and off i was to the movies, with just one more ciggie sneaked in between...
So on to the movies, well...did i set my expectations too high? guess it was the poster citing all the awards and marvellous reviews etc...turned out to be a really average movie with much-to-desire cinematography and a much-needed budget boost...in short, 'low-quality poorly shot movie with an okay story line'.
2325hrs - Still dun feel like going home...mind in mayhem as both sides of the brain argue abt the prospect of supper...well, u guess it...off to the indian makmak stall for a 'eat-for-revenge' outing - Soup Kambing, a kosong bawang prata and most probably another 1000 calories to add to the millions or even billions already residing in my tummy, a place they call 'home'...heavy supper, 2 ciggies, finally...back to 'home sweet home'...
that should do it...another fruitful day...time to catch another dvd before i call it a day... 0140hrs, its already monday
Having finally managed to force myself to bed at 5+ this morning after a black n white akira 'seven samurai' dvd and a walk out to a void deck nearby my place for a few cigs, i was finally feeling drained and exhausted and able to rest...well, its absolutely not the most spendid thing to find ur best friend, a guy, laying down, snoring beside u on ur bed, but well, being a true pal, he had volunteered to accompany me thru another long and endless night by hanging out with me, cafe lattes, kambing soups and some good old coke lite...nevertheless, he did not lasted the movie and was soon dreaming about strolling the sandy beaches of waikiki and making endless love with the girl of his dreams in a presidential suite looking across the deep blue ocean with seagulls whipping across the clouds...well, still suffering from a severe condition of insomnia, i continued to finish the movie...followed by the walk, ciggies etc as mentioned above...
finally getting some sleep at 5+ wasnt so cool either as it will be sweet and definitely short...the album clock's been set to 630am as i had offered my kind services to drop my pal off to work in the morning...yes, the one sleeping next to me...pls dun set ur wild thoughts on fire...thats a brotherly relationship going on, no passion, no sex...anyway, we only managed to crawled our way out of bed near 7...dropped him off to work, still managing to squeeze some time for him to get a kopi-o ice to start off his day...so, back to where i shld be so early in the morning...oyasumi nasai...
Embracing my mum's fave phrase 'young people must sleep more, if not got high blood'...i only got out of bed at close to 1pm...setting my day to motion, i got my lunch taken and was off to bedok reservoir for a 2hr kayaking solo expedition. The sun was shining with pride and it looks like a beautiful day to go out there and get a 'oh-my-god, he looks so good with dark skin' kinda tan...nevertheless, by the time i got there, the thick fluffy clouds had consumed the entire sun, leaving me with what's left of a 'cooling day'...no sun, hints of a heavy downpour, roars of thunder from a distance (most prob tampines) and a lazy mindset pathed the way for me to cancel my kayaking adventure...i ended up at a wooden bench beside the reservoir, looking at the overcast sky, embracing the 'cooling' weather and a total change of plans...laying out my essential gear on the bench (my ice-cold sky juice water bottle, pack of ciggies, lighter, spearmint drops and a half-read haruki murakami 'dance dance dance', i proceeded to make myself comfortable for a good little reading picnic with myself...time do flies and with about 1/5 of the book left, it was 5pm and about time to pick my good old pal off from work and a good hearty meal...
reached his office at 530pm, well, saw a slighty grumpy-looking figure sitting by the concrete platform by the drain...so desk neh...it was my fault...got the timing mixed up...his weekend started at 5pm, instead of 530pm...i was late...however, good news for good o grumpy...he made a return call and the girl of his dreams dropped an invitation for him to come by her place in JB...so off we go, voom voom to bukit batok for him to get his bike n passport...'all the best bro' :)
so its back to the solo excursion, made my way down to my fave solo venue 'Cathay'...seeing that there really isnt any other movie that i had not watched due to interest or as a form of time-killing, it was to be - 'The Blossoming of Maximo Oliverios'...The award winning, heart stealing filipino film @ 2125hrs...with lotsa time to kill yet again (*shaking head), it was to be a yakitori bento and a coke lite to accompany me on the final phrase of the murakami 'dance dance dance'...being not in the right mood for reading, i wasnt putting my heart into it and i ended up with a vague understanding of an ending which was confusing and 'cut-short' instead of as it should be...well, seems like i will have to do an encore on the last 1/5 of the book to do it justice...that shall be tomorrow's matters...
it was still only 8pm...with 2 more ciggies down and nothing on my hands, i proceeded to my new fave time-killing hobby - Egaming...Counter-strike again...not enjoyable no more but definitely an effective time slayer...9pm soon approaches and off i was to the movies, with just one more ciggie sneaked in between...
So on to the movies, well...did i set my expectations too high? guess it was the poster citing all the awards and marvellous reviews etc...turned out to be a really average movie with much-to-desire cinematography and a much-needed budget boost...in short, 'low-quality poorly shot movie with an okay story line'.
2325hrs - Still dun feel like going home...mind in mayhem as both sides of the brain argue abt the prospect of supper...well, u guess it...off to the indian makmak stall for a 'eat-for-revenge' outing - Soup Kambing, a kosong bawang prata and most probably another 1000 calories to add to the millions or even billions already residing in my tummy, a place they call 'home'...heavy supper, 2 ciggies, finally...back to 'home sweet home'...
that should do it...another fruitful day...time to catch another dvd before i call it a day... 0140hrs, its already monday
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Insommia "A state of inability to obtain sufficient sleep'
Today is the 6th of July. It has been almost 2 mths since that fateful day. That day when all things fell apart, when my compass lost its bearings and life turned from 'purposeful' to 'aimlessness'. Lost am i still, slipping back into the darkness time and time again as i laboriously tried to make my way out of this long and winding tunnel...praying for a glimpse of the bright scorching sunlight, the one that once lighted up my life and filled it with purpose. i was once in my own world, THE HAPPIEST MAN...nothing seems to go wrong and nothing could get any better...Living was like a dream but why didnt i see, so blinded by i, to not know, to not realise, that dreams may, could, would and had now turned into a nightmare...
a nightmare...something that scares the shit out of you in your sleep, something that makes you jump out of bed in the darkness of the night, screaming at the top of your lungs, something that i never once knew...well, that something had finally caught up...slowly but surely, my dreams had turned into that something...and there you can see me...as helpless as a cripple on a railway, it hit me...and i was tore apart...thinking i was dead...only to wake up and find myself...body whole, heart in pieces...in this dark and lonely tunnel...
a nightmare...something that scares the shit out of you in your sleep, something that makes you jump out of bed in the darkness of the night, screaming at the top of your lungs, something that i never once knew...well, that something had finally caught up...slowly but surely, my dreams had turned into that something...and there you can see me...as helpless as a cripple on a railway, it hit me...and i was tore apart...thinking i was dead...only to wake up and find myself...body whole, heart in pieces...in this dark and lonely tunnel...
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